General

Rabbinic

Holiday

General

Ben & Jerry's new Israeli ice cream flavors

* Wailing Walnut
* Moishmallow
* Mazel Toffee
* Lehitra Oats
* Rashi Road
* Chazalnut
* Olive Hashalom
* Oy Ge-malt
* Cherry Bim
* Cherry Bum
* Bubble G'mora
* Mi Ka-mocha
* Lemontashens
* Soda & Gomorra
* Manishta Nut
* Balak Berry
* Lubavicher Resberry
* Abba Ebanana
* Bernard Malamint
* Cashew Le'Pesach
* Chuppapaya
* Butter Shkotz
* O-lime Habah
* Berry Pr'i Hagafen
* Choc-Eilat Chip

(All flavors come in a Cohen).

The Real Mother-In-Law

A Jewish town had a shortage of men for wedding purposes, so they had to import men from other towns. One day a groom-to-be arrived on a train, and two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him, each claiming ownership on him.

A rabbi was called to solve the problem. After a few minutes of thought, he said: "If this is the situation, you both want the groom, we'll cut him in half and give each one of you half of him."

To this replied one woman: "If that's the case, give him to the other woman."

The rabbi said: "Do that. The one willing to cut him in half, is the real mother-in-law!"

Bar Mitzvah Bee

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey

"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Moishe and the Pope

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky.

So they finally picked an old man named Moishe, who spent his life sweeping up after people, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.'

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. 'What could I do?'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! . 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.' 'And then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'

Torah and Smoking

Two Yeshive Bocherim, Yankel and Moyshe, discuss whether it is allowed to smoke while learning Torah. But they disagree. Yankel says "I will go and ask the Rebbe."

Yankel to Rebbe: "Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?"

Rabbi states in a severe tone : "No!"

Moyshe: "Rebbe, let me ask you another question. May we learn Torah while we smoke?"

Rabbi, benign: "Yes!"

A Phone Call

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"

Hats Off

A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a goy sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, "May G-d bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.

Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money" she says?

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost." "You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."

Jewish Bumper Stickers

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

If you don't eat, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

What business is a yenta in? Yours.

If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.

Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

Chain Rabbi

The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor.

He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.

If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure. One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.

Have you got the time?

An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train. The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer.

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps silent.

"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"

The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

Yeshiva Crew Team

Yeshiva University decided to field a crew team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.

The chief rabbi finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. So Yankel goes to Cambridge and hid in the bullrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced.

Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. "I have figured out their secret," he announced. "They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."

Kollel Student

A girl brings her new boyfriend, a serious Kollel student, home to meet her father. The father takes the boy into his study and begins to ask him questions.

"So", says the father, "You're a Kollel student. How do you plan to support my daughter?" "Don't worry", says the boy, "G-d will provide."

" And where will the two of you live?", asks the father. "Don't worry, G-d will provide."

"And how will you support your children?" "Don't worry", says the boy, "G-d will provide"

The father finishes his discussion and the young man leaves. The daughter then comes in and asks her father, "So, what did you think of him?"

"I like him", says the father, "He thinks I'm G-d."

You Might Be a Jewish Redneck If....

You Might Be a Jewish Redneck If ...

... Your home is mobile and your sukkah ain't

... The only plant in your home is your lulav

... The only area on your lawn that is mowed is the spot where you burn your Chametz

... Your idea of bathing is using the mikvah

... Your siddur lists the Sabbath greeting as : "Shabbot Shalom Y'all"

... Your Shabbat suit was a blue light special at K-mart

... Willie Nelson sang at your Bar/Bat Mitzvah

... Your local scribe shoots his own parchment

... You've ever used the theme to "Rawhide" as a tune for the Kedusha

... You've ever called the "Psychic Friends Network" to answer a halachic question

... When you hear the shofar on Rosh Hashanah, you let your hunting dogs loose

... You know what Barach to make when you see a UFO

... Your Rabbi ever yelled "Yee-Haw" during his sermon

... You keep a can of spray paint in your Tallis bag

... You know which brand of grits have an acceptable Kashrut supervision

... If your Omer counting calendar has ever come up with three cherries in a row

... You think a hora is a high priced call girl.

... You light your SHABBAT candles from your cigarette.

... Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke.

... Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name.

... You have a gun rack in your sukkah.

... You think KKK is a symbol for Kosher.

... You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish law.

... You don't ride on SHABBAT because your car is up on blocks.

... When someone shouts, "L'chaim!" you respond, "L'howdy!".

...You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion.

Jewish Country Songs

1. "I Was One of the Chosen People (Til She Chose Somebody Else)"

2. "Stand by Your Mensch"

3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?"

4. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"

5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"

6. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"

7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"

8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breakin' My Heart"

9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"

10. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Good-bye'"

11. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"

12. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"

13. "Mamas Don"t Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)

Funny You Should Come To Me...

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah. Cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to become a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University. Cost me a fortune, then one day, he too tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the father.

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the father.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...'

Automated Phone Service

Hello...you have reached the office of the Board of Rabbis. If you are Orthodox, press 6-1-3; if you are Conservative, press 1 or 2; if you are Reform, press any button you like; if you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons. (DING)
Please hold on while I transfer your call...

Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The answer to your question is that it is forbidden by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)
Hello: You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has been helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)
Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi. The answer to your question is: if you want to, sure, why not? Who are we to say? If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)
Hello. You have reached the Reconstructionis rabbi. The answer to your question presumes there is an answer to your question. However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer your own question, please hang up now. (CLICK)

Hello. You have reached the offices of the Israeli government. Congratulations on having a telephone. If you are calling for Likud, press 1-9-7-7; if you are calling for Labor, press 1-9-9-3; if you are calling for one of the religious parties, please remember that they do not answer the phone on the Jewish Sabbath. If you are in favor of territorial compromise, press 1-9-6-7; if you are in favor of retaining all of the territories, press 1000 B-C-E; if you wish to speak to a civil servant, don't get your hopes up.

Hello, you have reached the offices of the Jewish Community Relations Council. If you are offended by our position on Israel, please press 1; if you are offended by our position on church-state separation, please press 2; if you are offended by our position on Black-Jewish relations, please press 3. If you think all Soviet Jews should move to Israel, press 4, unless you are calling from North America, in which case pressing 4 will not work; if you are calling to propose a boycott of our local newspaper, please press 5; if you are calling to propose a boycott of ABS, CBS, NBS, CNN, or PBS, please press 6; if you are calling to ask who authorized us to speak for the Jewish community, please hang up and organize your own Jewish agency.

Red Herring

"What's red, hangs on the wall, and whistles?"

"I don't know--what?"

"A herring."

"But a herring isn't red!"

"So you *paint* it red."

"A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"

"So you *hang* it on the wall."

"OK, but a herring doesn't *whistle*!"

"Nu, so it doesn't whistle . . . ."

Dog Day Afternoon

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas runs up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship! You can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean?" says the man, "This is a Jewish dog. Look!"

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel around its neck, this dog has a tallis bag around his.

"Spot," says the man, "daven!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands up on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa, and puts it on his head. "Woof!" says the dog again, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it around his neck. "Woof, woof! says the dog, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies; you could make a million dollars off of him!"

"Oy!" says the man, "You talk to him. He wants to be a doctor."

FOUND! LOST DIARIES OF NOAH

At least according to South Africa's "People" magazine dated April 11 to May 1. According to the article the diaries were "found in an ancient ship-like wreck about 32 kms from Mount Ararat" "immediately below the mountain of Al Judi, named by the Koran as the final resting place of the Ark" by Professor Horace Ventor (no origin or organization given) and Dr Vito Fontes "a leading Italian archaeologist and linguistic expert".

3000 b.c. Day One
Dear Diary,
First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire. The animals seem happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning to become restless, and it was a bad idea to put the rhinos, hippos and elephants on the starboard side, and the birds, insects, gerbils and hamsters port. Took some work to 'straighten" that one out, har har. Too tired to talk to God tonight. (Get Him started about the furies of His judgement, and He just goes on and on...) So, off to bed...

3000 b.c. Day Three
Dear Diary,
Rain has stopped, finally, and there's not a whole lot of land left to see. Saw a whole village's worth of people, all tied together in a pitiful attempt to save their own lives through common struggle. Sure glad I read those books about building my own shelter and surviving the Apocalypse; now if I can figure out what "canned rations" and "ferroconcrete bunkers" mean, I'll be in business. Shem lost his left hand to one of the lions yesterday. God provided food, all right: a thick, mealy white powder that you could almost eat if you added a little salt water. The budgies didn't like it, though, and the koala bears kept yelping for fresh eucalyptus leaves.

3000 b.c. Day Seven
Dear Diary,
Time to sweep the decks. No time to write.

3000 b.c. Day Seventeen
Dear Diary,
God decided to "help" by giving my the power to understand the animals' speech. Imagine over fifteen thousand married couples, forced to live in cramped and confined conditions, squabbling over how much yummy white powder mixed with sea water they get to have. They also whine about how good they used to have it, on the green earth, eating trees and nuts and berries and each other. Can't sleep at night.

3000 b.c. Day Twenty-Two
Dear Diary,
Got so sick of white powder that we skinned and ate the unicorns. This caused quite a ruckus in the equestrian section, and morale among the cows and chickens has sunk to a new low. God has helped the situation somewhat by confusing the thoughts of the higher primates, thus keeping them from undoing the knots on their cages. Only problem is that they know they're being kept from thinking, and all I hear are anguished cries of "What are they _doing_ to us?" Meat was stringy anyway, and tasted like sandal thongs.

3000 b.c., Day Thirty
Dear Diary
Can't sleep. Can't eat. Quelled mutiny by executing the centaurs as an example. Oldest son has developed strange religious beliefs based upon the frustrated mating cycles of our hyenas. Sight of humpbacked whale off port bow excited animals into thinking that God had sent it to destroy me and my family. Daughters are tempting me with their wicked ways. The night has a thousand phantoms that torment my soul.

3000 b.c., Day Thirty-Eight
Dear Diary,
Spent the day with my daughters- today doesn't count.

3000 b.c. Day Thirty-Nine
Dear Diary,
Becoming steadily less connected with day-to-day matters. Read yesterday's entry: thought someone else had written it. Had vision of strange birds. Have forgotten what land looks like. See no hope: God has forsaken me. Tomorrow I shall go into the hold and begin putting the animals out of their misery, and ending this charade once and for all. I shall begin with the gryphons and dragons.

groaner....

The Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist, and he worked occasionally as a farmer.

In short, he was "A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe."

Cleaned Dry

Abie needed his tallis cleaned. He called his friend Max to ask what dry cleaner to take it to.

Max said, "I always take my tallis to Moishe the dry cleaner on W 4th. He only charges $4.00"

So Abie goes over to Moishe's and finds that the ownership has changed. He asks the new owner, Mr Jones, if he meets the old prices. Mr. Jones assures him that he does.

Three days later, Abie goes to get his tallis and is given a bill for $24.00. He storms at Mr Jones. "I thought you met Moishe's prices?" "I did, " said Mr Jones, "$4.00 for the tallis, and $20.00 to get all ' the knots out of the fringes!"

A Fool

A Jew came to his Rabbi to lodge a complaint against other members of the congregation.

"Rabbi," he asked plaintively, "do you think it right of them to call me a fool?"

The Rabbi listened with sympathy. "Why get upset by such a trifle!" he consoled him. "Do you think fools are so very different from other people? Believe me, some of the nicest people I've ever known were fools. Why, even a fine, intelligent man like you could be one! "

another groaner....

What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jewish men?

Fillet minyan.

Rabbinic

STOP Sign Hermeneutics

Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What you do depends on your implicit hermeneutics.

1. A postmodernist deconstructs the sign (i.e., he knocks it over with his car), thus ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.

2. Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west road.

3. A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.

4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop if the car in front of him does.

5. A Fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and then waits for it to tell him to go.

6. A preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean either: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; or 2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.

7. A scholar from the Jesus Seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to stage III of the Gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.

8. A NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark Street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical street called "Q". There is an excellent 300 page discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in the commentary, however: the author apparently forgot to explain what the text means.

9. An OT scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP". For ample, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes at the author for the second part is different from the author for the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P".

10. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not there.

11. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar amends the text, changing "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area.

12. An Orthodox Jew does one of two things:
(A) Takes another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the halachah (Jewish Law), or (B) Stops at the stop sign, says "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," waits 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceeds.
Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage:
R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and know that I am God."
R.Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his transgression at the stop sign.
R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: "Out of the mouth of babes."
R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens."
R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is written: "let them serve as signs."
But R. Yehoshua says: ... 8. A Haredi [ultra-Orthodox "black hat" Jew] does the same thing as an Orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.

13. A Breslover Hasidic Jew sees the sign and makes hisboddidus (a form of spontaneous personal prayer) saying: "Robono Shel Olam [Master of the Universe] _ here I am, traveling on the road in Your service, and I'm about to face who knows what danger at this intersection in my life. So please watch over me and help me to get through this stop sign safely." Then, "looking neither to left nor right" as Rebbe Nachman advises, he joyfully accepts the challenge, remains focused on his goal _ even if the car rolls backward for a moment _ then he hits the gas pedal and forges bravely forward, overcoming all obstacles which the yezer ra [evil inclination] might put in his path.

14. A Lubovitcher Hasidic Jew stops at the sign and reads it very carefully in the light of the Rebbe's teachings. (In former times he would have used his cell phone to call Brooklyn and speak to the Rebbe personally for advice, but this is no longer possible, may the Rebbe rest in peace.) Next, he gets out of the car and sets up a roadside mitzvah mobile [outreach booth], taking this opportunity to ask other Jewish drivers who stop at the sign whether or not they have put on tefillin today [male ritual] or whether they light Shabbos candles [female ritual]. Having now settled there, he steadfastly refuses to give up a single inch of the land he occupies until Moschiach [the Jewish Messiah] comes.

15. A Reform Jew sees the stop sign, and coasts up to it while contemplating the question "Do I personally feel commanded to stop?" During this internal process he edges into the intersection and is hit from behind by a car driven by a secular Jew who ignored the sign completely.

16. A Conservative Jew reacts by calling his rabbi and asking him whether stopping at this sign is required by unanimous ruling of the Commission on Jewish Law or if there is a minority position. While waiting for the rabbi's answer he is ticketed by a policeman for obstructing traffic.

17. A Reconstructionist Jew, seeing the stop sign, might say: First, this sign is part of our evolving civilization and therefore I must honor it and stop. On the other hand, since its origins are in the past, I must assert that "the past has a vote and not a veto," and therefore I must study the issue carefully and decide if the argument "to stop" is spiritually, intellectually and culturally compelling enough to convince me to stop. If yes, I will vote with the past. If not, I will veto it. Finally, is there any way that I can re-value or transvalue the stop sign's message for our own time?

18. The Renewal-Movement-Jew meditates on whether the STOP sign applies in all kabbalistic Four Worlds [Body-Emotion-Mind-Spirit] or only in some of them, and if so which ones? Must he stop feeling? thinking? being? driving? Since he has stopped to breathe and meditate on this question, he is quite safe while he does so, barukh HaShem. [Praise God.]

Web Halacha

Rabbi Tarfon of Bet She'an said of Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya: It is said that in those days Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya designed a web site for the mother of his father, Sarah the daughter of Pinchas, who begat Yechezkel, who begat Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya. Thus Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya performed the mitzvah of web site design.

Rabbi Michal ben Elkanah, who only had one eye, said: But is it not also said that in those days there was no web, only gopher?

Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said: It is true, but as it is written: "A web browser may also use the gopher protocol, in addition to the HTTP protocol."

Rabbi Eliezer asked: Why does it specifically mention that the web browser may also use the gopher protocol, when it is written elsewhere that a web browser may use any protocol? Because the gopher protocol is especially meritorious, since it enables support of legacy systems.

One time a poor man came into the home of Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron and asked for two megabytes of disk space on the web site of Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron. Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron refused the man, but instead gave him a personal web server for his own use.

At this point Rabbi Yehudah ben Yerachmiel asked Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron: Why did you refuse this man's request, but instead give him a personal web server for his own use?

Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron replied: It [the Mishnah] teaches: "When a poor man comes into your home and asks for disk space on your web site, first ascertain whether he is going to use it for his own purpose or for the purpose of idol worship. If he is going to use it for his own purpose, grant him the space he asks, unless it exceeds twenty ephraot [one ephrah ~ 213 kilobytes], in which case you may refer him to a local Internet service provider, for as it is written: It is not upon you to complete the task, but neither are you free to desist from it. If he is going to use it for the purpose of idol worship, then do not give him the space, but instead rebuke him, that he might see the error of his ways and refrain from idol worship."

Rabbi Gideon of Sh'chem disagreed, saying: It [the Mishnah] also teaches: "When a poor man requests space on an FTP server, you must grant it without asking why he is going to use it." Why would the Mishnah impose requirements on a web server but not an FTP server? Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said: Rabbi Eliezer said: Why does it specifically mention that the web browser may also use the gopher protocol, when it is written elsewhere that a web browser may use any protocol? Because the gopher protocol is especially meritorious, since it enables support of legacy systems. Similarly, the FTP protocol is especially meritorious. Therefore, it is unfair to deny a poor man access to FTP, whereas it is sometimes permitted to refrain from giving a poor man access to HTTP, because without HTTP he can still serve files using FTP, but without FTP he will be unable to put his files on the server, since the means for saving files over HTTP are unreliable.

How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew
by David M. Bader

. . .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he delivered them.

The Ten Suggestions
1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods besides me.
2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy God in vain without the express written consent of Adonai thy God. The name "Adonai thy God" is the sole property of Adonai thy God. Any use of the name of Adonai thy God without the express written consent of Adonai thy God is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Adonai thy God.
4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.
5. Honor thy single parent.
6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.
8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing before Judge Wapner.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his powertools.

"He who gives a coin to the poor is rewarded with six blessings, but he who makes a pledge to charity receives a free tote bag."
The Extremely Reform Talmud

"Thou shalt not stand outside the synagogue on the High Holy Days scalping thy tickets to the services."
The Extremely Reform Ethics of the Fathers

"Among the beasts of the field, ye shall not eat of them that are shown mating on The Discovery Channel."
The Extremely Reform Book of Leviticus

"They shall beat their swords into ploughshares, And their spears into pruninghooks, And nation shall not lift up sword against nation, But instead shall clobber one another with ploughshares and pruninghooks."
The Extremely Reform Prophecy of Isaiah

Holiday

Boo Haman!

Haman went to a soothsayer one day, and asked, "On which day will I die?"

The soothsayer answered, "On a Jewish holiday."

Horrified, Haman asked, "Which one?"

Replied the soothsayer, "Any day on which you die will be a Jewish Holiday!"

Tashlich Tidbits

This is a variation on a traditional Jewish custom of tossing crumbs from your pocket into a stream or river on Rosh Hashanah to symbolize ridding yourself of sins. Taking a few crumbs of old bread to Tashlich lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, consider these options...

For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzoh
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For speed limit violations, Russian Bread
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For not giving full value, Shortbread
For jingoism, Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly Doughnuts
For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For racism, Crackers
For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
For davening off tune, Flat Bread
For being holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Big Loaf
For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devil's Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat

Twas The Night Before...

'Twas the night before Chanukah, Boichecks and Maidels,
Not a sound could be heard. Not even the dreidels.
The Menorah was set by the chimney alight,
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was choppin' a bite.

Salami, pastrami, a glassele tay.
And Zozereh pickles with bagels ---- oy vay',
Gesundt and geshmack , the kindelach felt,
While dreaming of taglach and Chanukah Gelt.

The alarm clock was sitting, a klappen and ticken,
and Bubbie was carving a shtikele chicken.
A tummel arose like a thousand Beruches,
Someone had fallen and broken his tuchas

I put on my slippers---- ains,Zvei, drei.
While Bubbie was enjoying her herring and rye,
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkies,
and Bubbie was just devouring the latkes.

To the window I ran and to my surprise,
A little red yamalke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw the Menorah,
"Yiddishe Kinder," he said "Kenahorah".

"I thought I was in a strange hoise."
"As long as I 'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
A gupel, a leffel a shtikel fish."

With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver and Knadlach and kreplach gegessen.
Along with his meals. he had a few schnappes,
when it came to eating, this boy was tops.

He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
But they were so hot he yelled 'oy gevalt".
He buttoned his hoysen and ran from the kish,
"your Koshereh meals are simply delish."

As he went through the door, he said "See you-all later,
I'll be back next Pesach in time for the Seder."
More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

"Now Izzie--now Morris-- Now Louis--and Sammy--
`on Irving and Maxie-- and Hymie and Manny".
He gave a geshrey as he drove out of sight.
"A GOOD YONTIFF to all and to all a good night"

Eight Nights of Hanukkah

On the first night of Hanukkah, mein Liebhen sent to me, a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.

On the second night of Hanukkah, mein Liebhen sent to me, two matzoh balls and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.

On the third night of Hanukkah, mein Liebhen sent to me, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.

On the fourth night of Hanukkah, mein Liebhen sent to me, four pounds of corned beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.

On the fifth night of Hanukkah, mein Liebhen sent to me, five kosher dills, four pounds of corned beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.

On the sixth night of Hanukkah, mein Liebhen sent to me, six grandmas cooking, five kosher dills, four pounds of corned beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.

On the seventh night of Hanukkah, mein Liebhen sent to me, seven rabbis dancing, six grandmas cooking, five kosher dills, four pounds of corned beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.

On the eighth night of Hanukkah, mein Liebhen sent to me, eight fiddlers fiddling, seven rabbis dancing, six grandmas cooking, five kosher dills, four pounds of corned beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.

Exodus - In Computer Command Language

Release ISRAEL
ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release
Set ISRAEL;mode=master
Pharaoh already running in master mode,
cannot change ISRAEL
Set Pharaoh;mode=slave
Command ignored
Load Moshe/Moses
Done
Deactivate Pharaoh
Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated
For i=1 to 10 do plagues
Are you sure? Y
Done
Release ISRAEL
error: ISRAEL uninitialized
Set ISRAEL = 600,000
Done
Release ISRAEL
ISRAEL released
Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)
Done
Move ISRAEL to Sinai
OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!
Save ISRAEL
Specify save device
Save ISRAEL with miracle
Done
Move ISRAEL to Sinai
Done
For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with active golden calf routine
Destroy calf
Done
For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Done; commandments stored on hard rock device
Move ISRAEL to desert
Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop
Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years
Done
Build Mishkan
Syntax error
Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel
Done
Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL
Warning: operand terms must be unique
Move ISRAEL down
Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN
set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)
Done
Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
Done
Happy Pesach/Passover To you too

Just a Tad of Charoset
(sung to the tune of "Just a Spoonful of Sugar")

Chorus:
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
The bitter herbs go down, the bitter herbs go down.
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
In the most disguising way.

Oh, back in Egypt long ago,
The Jews were slaves under Pharaoh.
They sweat and toiled and labored
through the day.
So when we gather pesach night,
We do what we think right.
Maror, we chew,
To feel what they went through.

Chorus

So after years of slavery
They saw no chance of being free.
Their suffering was the only life they knew.
But baby Moses grew up tall,
And said he'd save them all.
He did, and yet,
We swear we won't forget.
That......

Chorus

While the maror is being passed,
We all refill our water glass,
Preparing for the taste that turns us red.
Although maror seems full of minuses,
It sure does clear our sinuses.
But what's to do?
It's hard to be a Jew!!!

Chorus

Knighted

"Recently Rabbi Jacobowitz, the Chief Rabbi of England, was knighted by the Queen. As part of the knighting ceremony Rabbi Jacobowitz had to kneel before the Queen. As we all know Jews do not bow before anyone except Hashem. On top of that, he was told to recite a paragraph from the Christian liturgy during the actual knighting.

The Rabbi was in a quandry as this was being televised, but he could not violate the Jewish Laws.

The five honorees were lined up waiting for the Queen to receive them. As her royal highness entered the room all kneeled, except for Rabbi Jacobowitz.

The Queen noticed this, but diplomatically ignored it. Then, the Queen began knighting each person. When she came to Rabbi Jacobowitz, who still wasn't kneeling, she looked at him expectantly. Realizing she was waiting for the Latin recitation, he began to sweat and shake with nervousness.

Then, in a fit of utter desperation, he said the first thing that came to mind: "Ma nish tana halilah hazeh!" The Queen, perplexed, turned to Prince Charles and asked, "Why is this knight different from all other knights".....

Our Passover Things

(To be sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things," from The Sound of Music)

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the chametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefilted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Matzah and karpas and chopped up charoset
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharaohs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzah balls floating and eggshell that clings
These are a few of our Passover things.

When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.

Amy Levin

Cyber Rav at Pesach

It has come to my attention in these busy days before Passover that many Jews of all persuations are busily cleaning up and kashering their homes and businesses from chometz (leaven foods) and are missing one of the most important places to be concerned about.

That of cyberspace and their personal websites!!!

As it is written in our holy Torah: (Shmot 12 verse 18-22)
"Seven days shall there be no leaven found in your houses: for whosoever eateth that which leaveneth, even that soul shall be cut off from the congregation of Israel, whether he be a stranger or a native of the land".

Our Rabbis of blessed memory defined "houses" to also include businesses and ALL of our possessions. This also includes cyberspace. For as we know most of us are living and working here more than anywhere else. AND for those of you who cannot bring themselves to sell and close off their cyberspace home for eight days, you MUST clean, and check thoroughly in its entirety all of your personal webspace.

What does this include? As we know that chometz gamor cannot as yet exist in cyberspace, we must check for the next best thing which is VIRTUAL CHOMETZ (vc) or all words, pictures and sounds that pertain to chometz.

To help out everyone in this tremendous endeavor, we have made available virtual chometz checking kits (vcck) that can be sent directly to your e-mail box. These kits include a virtual feather, beeswax candle, bag, wooden spoon, and match.

For those of you too busy or not conversant in cyberspace cleaning, we have automatic search engines set up twenty-four hours a day (excluding Shabbat and holidays) to search for chometz. You will be notified of which chometz you possess and asked if you wish to sell it or have it removed and destroyed. Please also let us know if you allow leugems (kitniot), or gebrachts.

If you wish to have it sold, it will be sold to a non-Jew and stored in his personal ftp site until after the eighth day and then returned. Send us your address for the virtual contract at: benzev@kinneret.co.il

For those of you not wanting to have to worry about surfing and finding yourself in a non-Passover setting, we are now proud to offer you MATZONET. MATZONET is the work of many fine yeshivah boys surfing the net and identifying sites of questionable content. When you sign up and log on with MATZONET, you will be kept out of websites not certified Kosher for Passover again depending upon your level of kashruth.

Coming next time;

The requirement of placing a mezuzah on the entrance to your website.

Rabbi's Advice

A young man was working as an aeronautical engineer. He' d been working on a revolutionary new plane design that looked magnificent on paper, but every time he tested a new prototype in the wind tunnel, the wings sheered off in a perfect straight line. Numerous experts and consultants were brought in to help him to no avail.

This nice Jewish boy naturally talked to his Jewish mother about how this project was depressing him. After much thought she said, "go talk to the Rabbi about it."

The young man was of course skeptical, but finally went to talk to the Rabbi to make his mother happy. The Rabbi listened attentively and then told the young man to drill holes six inches apart along the line where the break kept occurring.

The young man at first ignored this advice, but after another few months was desperate enought to try anything. And low and behold, the solution worked. The young man was acclaimed a genius in the industry. He finally went back to the Rabbi to discover how he came up with such a solution. The Rabbi replied, "For sixty years I have celebrating Passover and eating Matzah and for sixty years I have been trying to break the matzah along the line of holes. And that clearly is impossible.

Jewish Food Guide

Latkes: A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.

Matzoh: The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.

Kasha Varnishkes: One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat (groats) and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, G-d forbid "An elbow on my table?"

Blintzes: Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to crepe suzette (I can't spell).

Kishka: You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it . In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it . Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.

Kreplach: It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.

Cholent: This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!" My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made cholentburgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.

Gefilte Fish: A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.

Bagels: How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker?? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence, and the dough is only there for emphasis.

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